Hold the Spit: A Guide To Restaurant Dining

I have spent all of my adult life working in the restaurant industry. I've played my hand in waiting, hosting, bussing, food preparation, and customer service. How many times have you asked yourself, "How hard is that? Honestly?" while dining out? Well, it can be pretty damn hard. Juggling nine tables filled with tyrannical children, assinine inquiries, and idiotic requests is a skill that takes time, finesse, and the ability to let the most irritating obstacles go. There are many things that annoy those of us working in the food industry to the brink of suicide. Take a walk down the path of things that no customer should do in a restaurant.

Do not tear straw wrappers and sugar packets to pieces and leave the remains all over the table. When finished with a paper product, place it at the end of the table so that it can be cleaned throughout the meal.

When dining with children, keep them in check! Do not allow demon offspring to disrupt other guests within earshot and be more than certain that you have contained the mess that aforementioned spawn has left.

Do not ask multiple questions that are outlined in the menu. Read and process all food descriptions thoroughly before chaining a server to your table with moronic interrogations.

"The spicy marinara... Is that like, spicy? Or is it just hot?" Don't do that. No one was going to try to serve you chilled lubrication for your pasta. Think and then speak.

"The twelve inch... How big is that?" Don't do that either. Really? It's bad enough that we still don't use the metric system. Catch up.

Never, no matter how small of a town you may be dining in, assume that it is alright to share your racist, homophobic, or religious views with your server! It is entirely unfair to make any human being uncomfortable, especially one that is assigned to you for a minimum of fifteen minutes.

Enjoy your food and your company, have a great time! However, if you've finished eating and have been cashed out, loitering any longer than an extended hour is inconsiderate. That table belongs to your server and turn over is a very important part of making the big bucks.

Chances are, at any given time, your server is already planning their next few moves. This individual has three refills to retrieve, food dying in the window, two checks to close out, and paper towels to replenish in the men's room. You deserve the same amount of time as any other customer but there isn't any reason to monopolize anyone's time.

When given a time quote while adding a name to the Wait List, don't ask if your host is serious. No one is trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Remove your name or sit down and wait patiently.

While being seated after being on a Wait, don't complain about the location of your table. You're welcome to go back on the Wait until something else comes up.

Be patient. Wait until your server has finished presenting food before asking for extra napkins, parmesan cheese, or a refill. They're paid to anticipate your needs. They appreciate the chance to shine at proving that they can take responsibility for your dining experience.

Do not remain pleasant and easy to wait on if you have no intention of tipping well. Don't lead your server on.

Servers are meant to know what you want but it helps if you know as well. Don't send your server on multiple trips. Make a mental list of what you need and inform your server at one time.

Do not need a refill before your food comes up. Your server will walk into the back and tell their co-workers how irritating, "people like that" are.

No, your server cannot adjust the volume of the live music. Shut it.

One check for the entire table is always appreciated!

Anything less than 15% gratuity is an insult. Basically, if it's not enough to purchase a pack of cigarettes, it's not worth the time that was spent on you.

Wait staff come in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Don't ask your pierced server if they fell into a tackle box, your server with bright nails if they shut their finger in a car door, or if your server with an unusual hair color spent their morning painting.

Remember that your server has a life outside of work! They have children, friends, bills, dreams, and responsibilities.

Above all else, remember that your server is employed by a company and does NOT work for you.

Merry Christmas guys. Rad snowflakes!